... all i'm askin'

... is for you all to bear with me a bit. i'm a creature of habit, of fierce loyalty and devotion. i say this because since my own personal email isn't posted, someone recently used the new fuzziechadsrule alias to send me an email that i didn't take to kindly to. now, don't get me wrong... this email only tipped me over the edge. it's a deep well i've been staring into and out from on and off for months.

this post is NOT a cry for help, not a pity post and not a bitch session... it's simply a plea to have any of you who would like to consider yourselves as my friends to stand by while i deal with some things. support is not easily gained and i seldom ask for it. i feel in an odd way that many of you do offer that freely, and you've all enriched my life in ways i never knew possible.

i'm in pain and i don't 100% understand why. i'm unhappy with so many things. facets of my life, my choices and directions i'm heading. yesh, i take constant solice in the people and things in my world that are dear to me, but even then i find the voices in my head challenging their validity. it's cruel and unusual to doubt the ones around me that i love, but i am losing control over what is happening.

i am sleeping more. blessfully. now, more equates to 4+- a night, but that's still a leap from before. special thankees to all out there who showered me with suggestions and kind words regarding that fiasco. overall health issues, weight loss and more may or may not be tied into this, but hey, i fit back into a size 38.. so things are looking up!

is it wrong to wish for change? change possibly so drastic it changes almost everything in my world? who or what gets left behind? me? i'm so tired. so weary of being there for everyone. and yet, i cry as i write this because that's WHO I AM... i don't think that can change. while it's toll on my heart and soul is gaining, that cannot stop. i can't change who i am. can i?

does anyone realize how excited and giddy i get to know that ANY of my words, images, artwork, stories, fuzzie animalz :) positively effect any of you out there? it fills me with glee like a stoopid 4 year old with a loli-pop. it's tough to realize how much attention i seem to really need. kinda pathetic actually.

it's funny to me though to realize how few friends i have locally too. i work, i go home. i work. then, oh yeah, i go home. we have prolly 2 pair of friends we see on occasion, and that's really about it. they are all the BESTEST in the world, and I couldn't ask for cooler folks in our lives, soooo don't get any ideas i'm not tickled as puddin' to have them around.

i've lost so much in my life. i've realized i'm postively terrified to lose anything else. with that being said, i realized i failed to mention what the email was about: a frustrated observer of my blog(s) emailed me saying that he/she (i dunno which) was pissed that I've been spending too much time on my fuzziechads & somethin sketchy sites. this person went on to ramble about how i need to keep in mind that i have a responsibility to my viewers to keep them entertained and updated on everything from my views on things to making him/her laugh when they need it.

ALRIGHTY THEN! lemme first say to this person, "kiss my butt." and for my second round, "thanks for abusing your right to free speech and slamming a fist into my gut and a brick (the red kind) over my skull." wtf right does this person have to dictate to me what my blogs are for?

lemme git' a few things straight to you.. mr or miss buthead, and for the rest of you all out there; i do this shit for fun. i do this because i like to make people smile and laugh and think good thoughts when there's barely anything else tolerable in this damned world to listen to on the news or read in a paper. i do this as a mental release and to combat the demons in my head that want me to run screaming down the road and never look back. i do this for me. not any one of you.

'nuff said. if i lose any of my readers to this post, so be it. this goddmaned email made me wanna hit delete on all of my damned blog sites anyway. funny thing tho, this is nothing compared to what i'm feeling over all the sh*t i rambled on above anyway... so... i dunno.

anyway, holy hell this was a long rant and rave. i'm sorry for that. i hope you are all doing well out there. i'll be okay too. i always am. denial ain't jesta river in egypt, and i've been internalizing since i was a fetus, so i'll deal.

jes' cut me a little slack, wouldja?