... holy crap what next?

... first of all, thank you all for your recent supportive comments, pointers and suggestions in my last post. i've been riding this goddamned rollercoaster for longer than i can count on my fingers and toes, and i jes' am tired of hiding it from everyone. why the hell do i do that? i dunno. i'm retarded i guess... i am there for everyone in my life - anytime, anywhere, no questions asked... and yet i'm so goddamned stoopid 'cuz i'm afraid that "no one" will be there for me when i need them.

i'm proven wrong all the time tho... the few friends i have in this area have blown me away by their caring, love and support... yet again i feel more as if i'm dreaming and it's all not real. if i wake up, how many of you will fade into non-existance? many of which i've spoken about on this blog. god i love them all so much.

i found out jes' before noon today that (2) close friends of mine are dead. wtf is going on? something must be in the water. or it's clowns. clowns are all inheriently evil anyway... and since evil is "live" to those of us with mild dylexia... a live clown is scarier-than-shit over a dead one... anyway, i am really getting sick of this crap happening to the people in my life. victim one was 40 years old, and suffered a massive stroke 2 weeks ago. he's already buried and i was never told. i cannot hold it against any ex-coworkers or his family, but i feel anger that i was not told. now i need to find out where he lays so i can go see him one last time.

victim two was a bit of a troubled seed. reasonably young, troubled past, but when i interviewed him at Microsoft 4 years back, i could see that sparkle of "change" in his eyes. he did well overall, his gynormous personality won most of us over, but personal problems and such drove him out of that job and history repeated itself during a few other jobs since then. he ended up in a hotel room somewhere in chicago where he hanged himself jus' the other day.... he left 4 children behind. he was a good man, a kind soul, but troubled and lost in the shuffle of life.

ya know, i need a stop/rewind button on this week.. well.. this month.. okay, i think this past year or so. this is not how it's supposed to be happening. good thing i'm frakkin agnostic. if he/she/it whatever was down here, we'd so be rumbling over the injustice of all of this.

okay, so here's the deal. bad things in my life always happen in 3's. everyone out there? be careful crossing the street. look both ways, then look again. chew that bite of food 26x... then 3 more times for good measure. drive safe. use your turn signal. give it.. like a month until you take those parachuting lessons please....

and holy shit and shinola stay the frakk away from clowns.